Mark and Tess nearly come to blows about whether there will be a blow!

Mark and Tess have a classic argument based on a deliberate or mistaken misunderstanding. Weather is a relatively short-term (hours, days, weeks, etc.) state of the atmosphere in a given region. On the other hand, climate is described as a long-term (years, decades, centuries, etc.) statistical description of weather patterns in a given region, or even globally, through averaging all weather regions on the earth. It’s micro v. macro. So Tess pushed Mark’s environmental buttons and he gets defensive.

Mark should try to explain the difference to Tess, who appears to present herself as a climate change skeptic. Will he do so (or save it to Sunday)? Probably not. As in virtually all Mark Trail stories since it began, nature and environmental issues are usually discussed in a broad sort of way (emphasizing exposure and public interest), and serving as a motivation for the story, itself.

To me, an important question is this: Is Jules Rivera making Tess taunt Mark by misdirecting him with a deliberate misuse of the term “Climate stuff” that is almost guaranteed to unhinge Mark? Is Rivera just making Tess out to be a typical climate change skeptic or denier, to get Mark to defend climate change while she pulls out the weather card to show the immediate weather report isn’t all that bad, thereby undermining Mark’s “climate change” forecast?

My app is a few inches bigger than your app!

Flash floods? Of course, even Tess should realize this, given the recent flash flood disaster in Texas. Not sure that the small opossum in panel 4 would understand. And why it’s out in the daytime is anybody’s guess.

Some of you may recall that Mark has a bit of experience with flash floods. He experienced one back in Doc’s Adventure. Start with the June 6, 2019 strip and scroll forward (up). This is the adventure where Mark and Doc, along with some others, go searching for a supposed cache of gold in a lost cave.

Anyway, Mark is still on his high horse, isn’t he?! Melodrama is his middle name. He could suggest another location for the camping site; they can’t all be in a flood zone, can they? I’m guessing the hunt does not get called off, they all go, it floods, and once again Mark has to save everybody.

Is Mark trying to wind up Tess Tigress?

Mark’s passive-aggressive nature puts Tess on the defensive right away by leading with his “bad feelings” whine. For a reporter, that’s poor communicating. I’d probably react something like Tess, as well. Then Mark attempts to put Tess on the defensive in panel 4 by revealing that he is really talking about the weather, as if Tess should have figured that out. It’s all a lot of unnecessary melodrama. Tess could have been just as dismissive of the weather. The follow-up to panel 4 would likely be Tess exclaiming, “You doofus! You could have led with that instead of your feelings!

As for Tess, what’s this about a photographer coming from New York? Just for the overnight hunting/camping trip? That doesn’t seem like the best time for photography. But since time is fluid (perhaps in a nod to Relativity?), we may want to assume that the recent dinner was actually held the day after the hunt.  (You won’t find this kind of intellectual analysis going on at CK!)

That would make the hunting, butchering, food prep, and dining sequence more plausible.  And as we see in this panel from November 24, Jules Rivera is being vague about the actual time interval.

Art Dept. I like to point out innovative and good drawing in the strip as I find it. Well, I don’t find much today, except I think Tess’s pose of exasperation in panel 2 very effectively highlights her mood. On the other hand, the overall blocky crudeness in drawing, anatomy, and staging is disappointing. Panels 1 and 3, especially, remind me a bit of some of the clumsier work of Jack Elrod, though clearly different styles:

When we last saw Mark . . .

Being a millionaire means you can paint your house whenever you want to. And maybe change its size. I’m looking back at the strips from October 15 and 16. This place just can’t be the main house, so it must be a guest house. If you are too relaxed to look, the original home is so much bigger, painted red, and sits alongside a large lake.

Here is Mark, first overwrought with the idea that the hunting trip will give Tess another opportunity to take a pot shot at him; then he goes into a grand funk over an oncoming storm. And he’s worried about it!

Quick-thinking Mark doesn’t get it. He doesn’t realize the storm is the perfect excuse for not going hunting, thus avoiding the possibility of friendly fire. So why is Mark keeping the weather report a secret!? Is he afraid that they will call off the hunt and he’ll have to fly home and not get to eat any more tasty pork chops? Okay, you are caught up on the plot, so let’s get this story moving once again!

Art Dept. For once, the animal of the day isn’t looking at us. Maybe the squirrel is looking for an exit.

Quiz Results. I was flooded with responses…at least from Be Ware of Eve Hill. And she had some good responses. Yes, the dialog of family members, such as Rusty, is often more engaged, sometimes witty, and sarcastic than before Rivera.  He certainly comes across as a more normal, authentic version of a kid. Be Ware talks about examples of “breaking the wall”; that is, facing the readers. Well, if the Trails are not always aware, animals are. Many times we find them in the strip, staring us down.

Another important dialog innovation is the emphasis on every-day, plain-spoken English. Prior to Rivera, the Mark Trail Grammar Style Sheet listed only two methods for ending a sentence: a question mark and an exclamation point! Don’t take my word for it! Sample the strips on this site between 2013 and 2020! You’ll be hard pressed to find exceptions! Under Rivera, this exclamation point is demoted to occasional dramatic appearances. As it should be!

The Week in Review and the Sunday Nature Chat

We left Mark in Texas the week before, worried about his personal welfare while in the company of Tess Tigress, so we could return to Lost Forest in order to do a little catch-up with Peach, Olive, and Cherry. The concern is whether Peach should sign on with Holly Folly’s apparel business. Seems Holly is into fast fashion, which generates a high turnover of knockoff clothing designed to be discarded after a few outings in time for the next trend to hit the racks. Olive is concerned that Peach will be taken advantage of and wind up supporting a business model that is the antithesis of her “upcycled” clothing. But Holly seems blinded by the fame and association with Holly Folly, a popular online fashion influencer.

So Olive drove Cherry to the local landfill and proceeded to find examples of discarded clothing—especially examples of discarded Holly Folly clothing—in order to move Cherry over to her side and put together enough evidence to convince Peach to not sign on the dotted line. For some reason not  explained, Peach was not able to go on this fact-finding trip, so Olive took photos and videos to bring back. But Cherry retained doubts whether they could convince Peach to walk away from the deal.

With that, we end the usual week-long segment of Cherry’s adventure to return to Mark’s assignment, where he is supposedly going on an overnight camping and hunting trip with Tess and husband Jess. And it’s just in time for the big storm projected to blow through!

It’s a bit late in the year to do a Sunday page on Autumn leaves, don’t you think? Was this a scheduling mistake at the main office? In any event, Rivera gives us another well-conceived title panel. Panel 3, focuses on a single branch, offering an interestingly-designed image suggesting increasingly cold weather. But the orange background is a poor decision, muddying the mood. Autumn days can be intensely bright. The textual content today is fair, which is to say the information shouldn’t be a surprise to most of us. But the overall visual effect looks rushed, and the grand finale panel showing only two small trees is positively anemic and underwhelming, the very antithesis of what Mark is saying. And no, they don’t look beautiful. The trees look like they have been run through special effects filters to create some kind of high contrast, polarized effect, as if they are radioactive. Rivera should have just thrown caution to the wind and drawn a picturesque stand of Fall trees along a shoreline. And omit Mark!

If Peach won’t go to the mountain, …

Okay, you’ve all become so jaded in this digital, online world of ours that a publishing nexus (leggings) just wasn’t notable enough to draw a single comment. I may be taking this thing way, too seriously!

So, why couldn’t they get Peach out to the dump? Is she allergic to the outdoors? Too busy sewing? Did Jules Rivera only come to the realization at the end of the week that she had not explained why Peach didn’t accompany them? So the “cliff-hanger” here is: What is Peach doing that she couldn’t come along? Finally, I think Rivera doesn’t have much faith in Cherry, because Cherry doesn’t look as stressed out as Rivera suggests in panel 4.

Quick Quiz: Just to see if you’ve been paying attention to the strip for a while, what is one of the most significant (if subtle) changes in the dialog from the pre-Rivera era? I don’t mean just today or this week. I mean since Rivera took over.

Little sister instructs big sister

What’s that ZZ Top song lyric: “She’s Got leggings and she knows how to use them.” Hmm, maybe not. I’m surprised it’s not in a commercial.

Okay, sure. Cheap fashion knockoffs: Wear, tear, and trash. But what’s not stated here is how such a deal could also impact Peach’s budding career. As a general guess, I’d say that the fast fashion customer base doesn’t have a lot of overlap with the environmentally-conscious base Peach’s designs might appeal to.

It’s easy to generalize, and I know nothing of the fashion market, much less the garment trade. Anyway, perhaps Peach would—or should—be just as concerned with the impact the deal might have on her career, especially among a more discriminating and environmentally aware customer base.

But let’s not forget the real reason for this story: To publicize a growing international pollution problem and an unhealthy consumer habit.

However, one thing bothers me. I know nothing about marketing or fashion. So maybe one of you can set me straight:  Fast fashion often imitates more expensive genuine fashions at much cheaper prices. Well, how does that fit in with Peach’s work, since it appears to be relatively new, local, and apparently not trendy, or based on major fashion trends? How does her work translate into a fast fashion marketing project?

Olive lays into Holly Folly with “Fast Fashion Trash Talkin’”

(OK, I adapted some of Rivera’s text in panel 4. In this instance, I thought her comment was apropos!)

One of the enjoyments I get from comments is finding out about stuff. Reader Hannibal’s Lectern confirmed a lot of what the strip has been saying about how fast this rip-off clothing really gets copied, sold, worn, and finally ripped off the body for disposal. Amazing and appalling.

And what a coincidence that Holly Folly’s fast fashion castoffs were so quickly identified in this mountain of discarded clothing. But Olive claims this is all from her company. What’s that say about the fashion sense and environmental awareness of the citizens of Lost Forest? I still think it would have been more dramatic to bring Peach along to see this mountain of evidence.

Art Dept. The Arlo ‘n’ Janis strip (Andrews McMeel Syndication) runs just above Mark Trail in my paper. Just by happenstance (I presume), both strips dealt with the same subject yesterday: Leggings. Here is an excerpt:

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Click to enlarge. Click Back button to return here.

If you are unaware, you can view the Arlo ‘n’ Janis comic strip at GoComics.com

Jeggings?Jeggings!? We don’t need no stinky jeggings! Oh, wait. We do.

Odd looking landfill, but this is Lost Forest, so Reality must bend to the need, I reckon. At least the landfill’s got the birds. Now, I don’t wanna be a naysayer, but how do they know those jean leggings (“jeggings”) are Holly’s? Do they have her label on them?

I didn’t know anything about Jeggings! I learned they are very tight-fitting leggings made to look like jeans, but can cost 2x to 3x more than an actual pair of jeans, assuming your taste for jeans runs to what you can find at places like Target and Costco. Jeggings for men seem to cost more than the same product for women, but I didn’t do a deep enough dive to make an authoritative claim. Unfortunately, I no longer have a 20-something body that encourages the wearing of jeggings!

All you dedicated readers will have to enlighten me on how some random discarded clothing presents evidence of malice or corruption on the part of Holly Folly. And finally, one more thing: I may be just a slow kid from Virginia, but why didn’t Olive just bring Peach along for this fact-finding trip? Wouldn’t that be more efficient? Maybe there is there a subplot to this story that requires Peach to remain at home.

Art Dept. Does Cherry wear jeggings? Her pants always look like they were drawn on her!

Olive Pitt goes all “Nancy Drew” to help her sister, Peach.

Even bucolic Lost Forest has its seamy aspects, aside from Honest Ernest, Ranger Shaw, and the Cheddersons. So we arrive at the local landfill. It makes one wonder whatever happened to the recycling project that Cherry tried to start at the Sunny Soleil Society. Or was that the composting project? (see Compost Crusade)

Olive Pitt is on the hunt, investigating the dark side of Holly Folly’s business model. I’m thinking the sisters will find a trove of thrown-away (“fast”) fashions from the House of Holly (or whatever it’s called) in the mountains of muck up ahead. If Olive brings back physical or photographic evidence, it could convince Peach that Holly Folly’s fashion goals are clearly the opposite of her “upcycling.”

On the other hand, Peach could get inspired by the castoffs Olive shows her and decide to design more fashions using those items, since upcycling discarded stuff is her mojo. I can just see Peach driving Cherry’s pickup back to the landfill and grabbing piles of abandoned clothing and junk for her work. Then wouldn’t it be a hoot for Peach to show Holly her new designs using the trashed knockoffs Holly has been hawking!

Why aren’t there ever any clouds in the sky?

The textbox is quite ironic, don’t you think? Considering Cherry and Olive both live outside of town, a drive anywhere is already a drive outside of town. Unless they are driving into town, I suppose.

When Jules Rivera took over this strip, she made Cherry a resourceful, feisty, but likeable person with the same strong family ethic as before, and having enough personality and grit to carry her own stories. In a way, that was similar to the earliest portrayals of Cherry, when she was still single and had a pet bear.

Still, Rivera’s personality edits for Cherry were a good improvement! But over time, Cherry’s personality and demeanor have changed (as they did before Rivera). She may still possess a strong family ethic, but I’m no longer certain of the other qualities. Granted, sister Olive Pitt has a troubled past and is prone to argument, physical interaction, and taking charge. In fact, she has some of the qualities Cherry used to have. But Cherry seems to have little patience or trust. She demeans Olive’s self-improvement efforts with her leading questions. Some sister!

The Week in Review and the Sunday Nature Chat

Having survived the afternoon hunt with the Hog Huntin’ Heroines (as published the week before), Mark began this week’s installment writing up his notes at the home of Jess and Tess. Mark pondered the implications of Tess’s “errant” rifle shot that came too close to him and Shania and wondered if Tess was getting careless. He didn’t consider that Tess might be leading up to a final confrontation.

Jess dropped into Mark’s room and ribbed him about his paranoia and reaction to Tess having a little fun with her gun. Still, he invited Mark to a sit-down evening dinner of pigging out on a tableau of pork dishes, compliments of Tess’s shooting. Curiously, Mark got all giddy at seeing the spread, as if he had never seen or eaten pork before. He was actually disappoined that Cherry, Rusty, and Andy could not also be here to see the spread. Things must be more dire at the Trail Cabin than I thought. No wonder he accepts every job that Bill Ellis gives him, no matter how odd or absurd.

As Mark chowed down on chops, Tess invited Mark to an overnight camping/ hunting trip, which caused Mark to pause and ponder his survival chances. Tess slyly watched him calculating. But for some illogical reason, Mark figured that he might as well go in spite of any possible danger, since he’d get to eat more pork when he returned. Of course, Mark could have eaten more pork without going on the trip, but this story requires some drama, dammit! So Mark simply has to go!

Yes, we’ve covered much of this already, but it’s still good information. Funny that Mark doesn’t answer his rhetorical “Is hunting the answer?” to controlling the invasive feral hog problem. Hunting is currently one of the common techniques used. Contraceptives are in the works, but it’s an uphill battle.  

There are two other noteworthy items in Mark’s nature chat today: 1) Mark is carrying a rifle. He didn’t bring one on his latest assignment, nor did he borrow one to use. I don’t believe Rivera has shown him hunting. 2) Mark makes much of the diseases found in feral hogs and the importance of proper cooking techniques to make them safe to eat. Yet, this past week, Mark seemed completely oblivious to the danger, never bringing it up or thinking about it. I wonder why?

And we end the week with ambiguity. Or conflict. Or something else.

I think we should expect a certain amount of consistency and coherency, especially within a sequence of four panels. But that seems missing today. First, Mark is concerned about his safety going out on another hunt with Tess. Good thinking! Next, he acts like a kid who is brushing off that concern and looking forward to eating even more pork following the hunt (in which he might get killed or at least, shot). Finally, Mark’s now visibly upset that a severe storm is coming through that might ruin the hunt where he might “accidentally” get shot or killed by Tess (or even Jess). Meanwhile Jules Rivera keeps dropping big-time hints about Tess’s intentions with her every appearance, hints that Mark is too self-absorbed to see. But maybe I’m reading too much into it.

You know, the way Mark wolfs down those chops makes me think he must live in a cabin full of vegetarians. Or maybe he just hasn’t eaten since leaving Lost Forest. It all just looks so wrong.

Art Dept. Didja notice that Rivera has changed up how she visualizes thought balloons? The last time we saw them (Monday), they appeared like normal dialog balloons. Today, they show up in an unusual but distinctive way, with the tail formed by overlapping circles of decreasing size. It’s different and serves to distinguish itself from the image thought balloons she also uses (see Thursday’s strip).

Mark gets invited to spend the night in a tent with Tess!

Well, I’m excited to see how this night hunting turns out; that is, whether Rivera knows much about it. I don’t. In general, most states restrict night hunting to going after predators, but not game. So, if they are hog hunting, there shouldn’t be an issue. OTOH, if Tess is actually hunting Mark Trail, that could be a problem! King Features Syndicate owns the strip, so I don’t think they are going to let Mark suffer a “Dick Cheney” incident. On the other hand, such an “accident” could provide a convenient, if fortuitous, reason for killing off the strip, as well.

Today’s script sounds like a setup plot of a B-Movie, where the intended guest (victim) has an inkling of impending disaster, but feels unable to do anything about it; like leaving the table, packing up, and getting away. And like those movies, Tess and Jess are extravagantly generous and open with their intended victim. And that’s like those old James Bond movies, where the villains are all very (if disingenuously) polite, well-dressed, and focused.

Still, Mark has his interviews and has sketched out his story. Job done! Nothing is keeping him there, except for the opportunity to exclaim “GOLLLLLY!” and chow down on a tableful of pork dishes. Okay, I can’t blame him for that part.

But we should at least expect some consistency with Mark’s dining habits. In panel 1, he eats with his left hand, with a drinking glass to his left. In panel 4, he eats with his right hand and has a different drinking glass on his right. Maybe this inconsistency is due to Mark’s nervousness?  Could also be why he forgot to first cut up that big chunk of meat he’s preparing to shove down his throat. Ah-ha! Maybe that’s the trick: Make Mark feel so nervous he tries to eat too much at once and chokes to death while Tess and Jess pretend to call the paramedics. Or not. But doesn’t everybody like a conspiracy!?

Art Dept. Yes, I know that the dinner table contents look like cartoon clipart pasted into the panel. Maybe it’s only inspired by clipart, or an adaptation of clipart. But let’s be fair here. Allen and his predecessors certainly took advantage of repeating/copying poses and faces, even using clipart for animals, cars, etc. Cartoonists have done this since comic strips began. It’s an accepted practice.

Tess owns Mark

So what is going on here? Is this an attempt to influence Mark’s writing for some unknown reason? And is Mark maintaining his journalistic independence by having dinner with his subject, a person he also has history with? I certainly don’t understand Mark’s comments here; as if a country goober has been buffaloed by his big city betters. But it’s more like small town goober meets big town goober. What’s the point?

Is this just an interlude, another side trip in an otherwise undramatic, mediocre story? At the very least, can we get an attempt to poison Mark!? I mean, Rivera has already made her PSA on eradicating wild hogs about as far as she can go. All for the good, of course. But where does the story go from here? Another hunt with another accidental shooting? More staring at the trophy wall? The only reasonable continuation here is going to turn on whether Tess is faking her amnesia; whether Mark’s appearance breaks her amnesia if it’s real; and how she reacts to it all. It’s the last chance for something dramatic and interesting to take place. Other than to wonder where Tess put the pulled pork, slaw, hot sauce, and buns.

What Would Olive Do?

Yes, indeed, readers! Just what would Olive Pitt do in Mark’s place? I think if the hunting situation was the same, but with Olive in the tree, she would clean Tess’s clock after her cheap stunt. The razorback would have company in the back of the truck on the way back.

All that is to say, What’s going on here today? Jess just contradicted what Tess told Mark about the shooting. Is Jess saying that Tess potted that shot near Mark just for fun, so he should just man-up and move on? Or does Jess suggest that Tess’s priorities were perfectly in order when she chose to take a shot at Mark before shooting the hog bearing down on her friend?

I suppose we could interpret this dialog exchange as Rivera promoting Jess as an empty-headed good ol’ boy parody of Texans and hunters. Well, maybe, until we read Rivera’s closing text box: “Don’t mess with Texas!” Now, I’m a tad confused: Is Rivera taking Jess’s side and putting Mark in his place? Is she continuing the parody of Jess by damning him with faint praise? Or is Rivera just trying to be cute with her rhyming, but remaining oblivious to the subtext?

I hope we find out before the Giant Armadillo from Space in panel 4 decides to crush the house and eat Tess, Jess, and Mark for dinner.

Back at the Ranch!

That’s some pretty quick butchering, I think, but needs must. I wonder if Mark is going to quiz Jess on investment options, where he gets his trophies mounted, or if he insists on standing behind Tess when they go hunting together.

All snark aside, it looks like Mark is preparing to take Tess’s husband into his confidence and ask something potentially negative about her: Is she homicidal? Does she really not remember Mark? Did she talk about her Tiger Petting Zoo? It’s quite possible that Tess has kept Jess ignorant about her past by faking her amnesia.

Of course the hunting trip was earlier! You think Mark wrote up the event before it happened!?

Okay, let’s appreciate the fact that Jules Rivera spends time showing Mark actually working on his journalism now and then, something prior Mark Trail cartoonists tended to leave to our imagination.  And it isn’t just for show, but it works as a technique to advance the story.

Call me a traditionalist, a purist, old-fashioned, or just a frustrated wannabe cartoonist, but I get put off some when Rivera uses a normal dialog balloon to display what would otherwise be thoughts, not spoken words. Thought balloons usually have a series of ellipses or bubbles instead of the usual dialog “tail” pointing to the speaker. But as we can see in panel 2, Rivera likes to use the thought balloon as a memory or imaging reference. Maybe Rivera can come up with a new design or just combine them into one!

Mark is trying to come to terms with the shooting incident. He is conflicted by his impression that Tess is a good shot, but now wonders how she should have almost hit him or Shania. Mark has little real world experience for that belief in Tess’s accuracy, but he’s probably on the right track. His conflicted feelings in panel 3 seem to be leading him to question Tess’s objectives and might lead him to realize Tess is conning him. Or so my theory goes.

Pretentious Nerdy Grammar Quiz: Okay, students. What is notable about Mark’s closing words in panel 3? Your immediate thought is likely correct, but dig a little more. If you figure it out, leave a comment!

The Week in Review and the Sunday Nature Chat

Two weeks ago Mark went into the field with Tess Tigress to meet her fellow hog hunters, who took turns revealing their hog-hunting origin stories. That week ended with the sighting of a wild hog as the gals prepared to go into action. The actual kill shot took place off-camera, a decision that Rivera repeated this past week and remarked on by one of our newest blog followers. Not showing the actual kill shot could have been an editorial decision by Rivera’s syndicate or Rivera, herself.

This past week saw the hunting party at another location, ready to unlimber their guns in the pursuit of more wild hogs. A good part of the week was something of a jumble with regard to time, sequence, and action, but I’ll try to at least present a general idea. Or you could just read the prior six days of strips (my commentary, optional) and skip this.

When a trio of wild hogs was spotted, Mark got out in front of the hunters to take pictures, but thought better of it and retreated to safety. Then Shania got out in front of the group to get a shot, though Reba warned her to be careful. Apparently she wasn’t and one hog bore down on her.

 At this point, time, space, and sequence get confusing. 1) Shania panicked and ran as hog ran at her. She didn’t shoot hog, but tripped. 2) Reba yelled advice but didn’t shoot. 3) Hog’s movements seemed to slow down for no reason. 4) Mark stood in background, beside Tess. 5) Mark reacted by somehow managing to run and jump in a tree on far side of Shania just in time. 6) Hog’s location unclear. 7) Mark yelled for Shania to grab his hand. She did. 8) Hog seemed to be staring. 8) Tess took a shot, but hit tree Mark and Shania are in. 9) Tess shot again and killed hog (not shown in the strip). 10) Mark and Tess end up on the ground, complaining of Tess’s wild shot. 11) Tess brushes off complaint. 12) No word on the action or whereabouts of the other two hogs seen with this hog.

From Tess’s actions and expressions, I’m thinking that her supposed lack of memory of Mark or her former fake tiger petting zoo may be an act. And she is really setting Mark up for revenge.

WebMD says pumpkin (seed or seed oil) might relieve benign prostatic hyperplasia (enlarged prostrate). The NIH offers a detailed, scientific discussion on medical use of pumpkin seed oil: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8681145/

Anybody up for barbecued wild hog ribs?

Call me crazy, but I think Tess’s selective amnesia act seems to be slipping. And once again, Jules Rivera has been kind enough to remind us readers all about what happened in yesterday’s strip. And a heck of a lot did happen, all in a matter of seconds! Anyway, it’s just as well that we stick with today’s recap and just move forward.

And this would be as good a point as any to jump back to Lost Forest and see how the gals are getting along, but this is only Week 1 of the usual two-week segment for Mark’s adventure, so prepare yourselves for a second week of hog huntin’ hijinks! You know, maybe Mark should have brought his hunting rifle along for self-defense … from Tess!