Well. We knew yesterday that Mark and Gabe would make it to the other side… but what we didn’t know yesterday is that Gabe would grow another finger on his hand!  Check it out!  With his opposable thumb wrapped around the Trail upper arm, it sure looks like he has an extra digit!  Sort of like Count Tyrone Rugen from the Princess Princess Bride… “Excuse me, but you wouldn’t happen to have six fingers on each hand, would you??  My name is Inigo Montoya… you killed my father… prepare to die…”

But I digress…  like I usually do.  We have been in this cave since February 1 and in the desert since December 2… Which means that we have been “following” this story for about 4 months now…  yikes.  Recall Mean Time to Lost Forest (MTLF- Time to open and wrap up a story arc) would be around 75 days… so if it seems like these James Allen story lines move a bit more slowly, it’s not your imagination…  But then we also have been introduced to a much more heroic, indomitable and indestructible Mark Trail- I think faithful reader George Atkins has it right:

Egad! I think you’ve uncovered the secret to Mark Trail: He really IS Superman. His alter ego is Mark Trail, which explains why Mark never gets seriously hurt, why his hair is always in place, why he can exhibit extraordinary powers when called upon (like today). Cherry is really Lois Lane, Superman’s chaste love interest. Rusty is Jimmy Olson, always getting into trouble and having to be saved. Doc is Mr. White, of course.

Ha!  No way!  It’s Batman vs. Mark Trail!  As Mark takes on all properties of the Man of Steel, including an apparent ability to defy gravity and re-write history, our Superman launches himself across the divide, which would be hard enough to clear on his own, let alone lifting and driving a full grown, calorie infused adult to the other side… and will do so with relative ease…

Try, Mark?  Try?  In the words of Yoda, there is no try… only do… But what’s a few broken ribs between would be friends??

That’s right, Gabe.  Three’s a crowd, dude.  With Mark and Carina communicating telepathically, you are totally expendable now.

And why are we suddenly playing the internal monologues?  As Gabe calls out to Mark… Carina generates her “sultry” look, Mark has his “wide-eyed wonderment” look and Gabe rattles in place… Seems that the aftershock is concentrated on the flimsy rock bridge.   Remember, kids, how Mark assured Gabe that everything would be all right…  Ha!  Not so much.  Will we really let this poor chiropterologist fall to a dark and unrecoverable death?  Or is there a magic ledge that he will find himself perched upon?  Doing my best to manufacture some concern here… but it’s not easy.

That darned rock arch gets skinnier by the day (or is it minute??) Sometimes I lose track of time when minutes play out in days and weeks in the Trailverse…

So yes, Gabe.  Please be careful- this is no time for tap dancing or taking any chances…  And also, please, Mark… What- were you raised by wolves? with bad grammar?  “Your’re doing good?”  “Doing” is an action verb, and therefore should be described by the adverb ‘well,’ not the adjective ‘good.’ Sigh… in the old days, Mark would not be caught dead using a contraction like ‘you’re,’ let alone show such other signs of ill breeding.  He is, after all, a writer.  And unless he thinks that his Editor has nothing better to do than correct his mistakes, he’d better bet a handle on his word choice…

Could be, I suppose, but other than an opening into more darkness and gloom, what have you really found, there, Carina??

Meanwhile, Gabe and Mark are taking turns getting across the rock bridge…  Gabe first, which means that Mark may remain stranded and Carina will have to go on without him in hopes of a rescue and recovery operation after she somehow finds a way out, makes it through the desert without food, water or sunblock and can find the opening again to point the way back…

On a good note, I am back in the northern climes where there is snow expected in the next couple of days and where there is actually moisture in the air…  seriously.  And Mark Watney, of The Martian fame, is safe on board the Hermes, heading back toward earth.  The book is very good, as was the movie.  Of course the movie took some liberties with the book, but it has to, right??  The book goes into a lot more of the science behind what is happening and reminded me of how many things there are to take for granted- atmosphere, for one…

There’s no humor here, Ladies and Gentlemen… Gabe is dying to tell Mark that he blames him for the predicament they are in… after all, it was Mark that herded them into the cave in the first place…

This reminds me of the scene from “Oh Brother Where Art Thou?”  where Pete declares, “Who elected YOU leader of this outfit?” To which U. Everett McGill responds, “I figured it should be the one who has the capacity for abstract thought…”  Mark, I am pretty sure that excludes you…

So yes, Gabe.  Mark has your back, leading from behind…  you are expendable, after all…

Well, there it is again… some form of venomous, lethal arachnid come to spoil the party!  With a klieg light trained on it.  Producing shadows.  Meanwhile passive-aggressive, sociopathic, manipulative Mark is convincing Gabe that it’s in his own best interest to cross the crumbling rock bridge next… “I’m right here behind you,” says Mark… To do what??  Wave as Gabe falls into the darkness?

A little about where I am now- Green Valley, AZ… dominated by expansive fields of Pecan trees, groves, orchards, or whatever you call them, owned by the Farmers Investment Company (FICO,) not to be confused with the credit reporting company, parent of Green Valley Pecans and owned by the Walden Family for the last 6 decades… hmmm… I wonder which way they lean politically… along with communities protected by pretty ladies in guard houses, built up around golf courses and pickle-ball courts.  There’s the Wal*Mart, the Big Lots, the $.99 store and other necessities of life, along with being a stones throw from Tucson.  Lovely vistas of mountains reaching around 5,ooo ft elevation. Warm and sunny while it’s (according to sources) cold and snowy back in MN… Ha!!

Which is more than I can say for Mark Trail and company… brought the laptop along as I (literally) could not leave this adventure to play out by itself.  Not sure what that says about me, but here I am.  And here we are applying more tortured logic to the laws of physics and gravity.  I am reading The Martian now and if it teaches us anything is that Newton’s laws are immutable- all that business about actions have equal and opposite reactions is absolutely true and makes me wish I had paid attention in High School (and later College, although that was the first class I dropped…) chemistry and of course physics…

So with Carina (BMI ~24) safely across, let’s send Gabe (BMI ~35) to test the strength of the rock-bridge.  Sort of like the old (which means hopefully not evil) Bill Cosby routine about Fat Albert- the baddest Buck-Buck breaker in the world… or those signs that announce the max vehicle weight of bridges- how do they tell what the max weight is? Do they drive increasingly heavier truck across until it breaks?? Probably not – there’s science involved I am sure… So in a week or so we will find out whether Gabe makes it across (again to where?) and whether Mark will have the chance to make his way across…  Not to mention the lighting and camera crew that has been capturing their every move…

How about seductively crawls across the damaged rock bridge?  Looks like she is posing for a spread in Maxim Magazine…

Still not sure what the plan is, but then I’m not the one writing this… just the one commenting on it.

Well, kids, it’s time for me to take a few days away… to the desert Southwest, ironically.  You can rest assured that I will be staying above ground and a safe distance from  la frontera internacional, and won’t be looking for any coyotes…  unlike this time last year when I was north of the border and happening upon all manner of beaver, consistent with the adventures of Wally the would be forester…   Stay safe, everyone!!

And I know now for sure why they sent Carina across first- knowing she will probably fall to her death, Mark and Gabe will finally get some alone time…  Mark was always surprised and a bit disappointed by her being there in the first place…

And with all three of them needing to cross, this could take upwards of a week…  oh the suspense is truly riveting…  Or not.

And my, how perceptive you are, Carina, to pick up on the fact that Mark is a “Traditionalist…”  Not quite a misogynistic asshole, but fairly narrow in his thinking…  and would sooner have you make him flapjacks and pour him coffee as save his ass from a close scrape…

But let’s try to think a few moves ahead here, shall we?  This is not a video game where we are trying to save a princess and if we fail we get to hit the re-start button and give it another go…  What’s on the other side of the chasm, other than more depth, darkness (wait- we still seem to be bathed in natural light for some reason) and despair?  If we are talking probabilities, then what are we relying on to point us further in the direction we are going?  We are fixated on a flimsy land bridge that offers no more assurance than if we just curled up in a fetal position and decided to call it a life…

But then again, we need to move our story ahead.  And standing and talking is no way to do that- so onward!  Or to borrow the Wisconsin state motto, “FORWARD!”

And no, Mark, Gabe doesn’t “know what <you> mean…” Al he “knows” is that your steady, guiding hand has led them further and further away from the light and toward a murky and anonymous death…

And we have seen that look on Gabe’s face before… Have we run out of “looks?” Do we have to be recycling already??  I guess we do…

And by working “together,” Mark, you mean what??

Or perhaps it’s A Bridge Too Far…  Literally the retelling of the Battle of Arnhem which resulted in the decimation of the British 1st Airborne Division…  and a decisive victory for the German Army in WWII.

Why should we cross, Mark?  To what end?  What about Gabe?  The arch has been reduced to a pencil-thin collection of stones, held precariously by the same forces that have held churches up for millennia… but still…

Yup… not lookin’ too good for our intrepid travelers…  does Cherry feel anything during times like this- when all seems lost, doomed beyond the point of hope?  Doubt it.  She’s got her cashiering job at the local Wal*Mart, and what could be better?  OK, I have no idea what Cherry is up to at this moment, but it might be more exciting than what we are witnessing here…  some kind of tryst, some dangerous liaison, anything… right?

So as the roof continues to crumble down on top of the trio, we are all wishing and hoping for sweet release- either crush and bury them or get them the hell out of there so they can assist the border patrol in stopping the illegal flow of immigrants…  Or help the Coyotes, I don’t really care which.

And I don’t blame him!  Seriously.  Trapped.  Underground.  No way out with millions of Metric tons of the earth’s crust bearing down on your head… if Mark Trail wasn’t blessed to have this Strip named after him, I’d say they were all done-for…

So with eyes shut and head down, Gabe lights off in the general direction of “back…” wherever that is… through the tiny crevice, down the slope that Mark haul his ass up, and back to the mouth of the cave where they have a small chance of digging their way to freedom.  Did we really think Mark’s plan was going to work??  Every other time, of late, some Federal Agency has (literally) swooped in, deus-ex-machina-style and resolved the “situation…” In a sealed cave, no one can hear you scream…

In related news, White Nose Syndrome (remember that??) is ravaging the bat population in Northern MN, my home state!

Please see Devastating disease reaches state’s bats on Page A1 of Thursday, March 10, 2016 issue of Star Tribune

Well, unless the earthquake-inspired cave-in created an opening to the sky, our hero’s fortunes have taken yet another turn for the worse…  Or at least they won’t have to tempt fate by trying to walk across the “bridge…”  and unless Carina and Gabe are equally lucky to have not been buried in the rubble, Mark may be on his own here…

“The Bridge!” he calls out, as if it were an old friend… as if he knew that it would have led him to safety, which of course he does not… so with a mighty “CROCK” (haven’t heard/seen that one before) that option is taken away from our party…

I have to introduce a new concept- the ‘Tedium-Meter.’  Sort of like the ‘Fun-Meter’ as in, “Well, my Fun-Meter has pegged… We can go now…” The T-M is invoked when a story line is not moving along sufficiently fast…  and this Cave Odyssey is definitely in the Red-zone…

AK-47’s, bundles of dynamite, sliver-tight crevices, and now an earthquake…  In the words of Samuel L Jackson, “Hold onto your butts…”

But maybe the “ceiling” will come done such that it opens up to the sky… but it would be too lucky to have that happen and not bury anyone in the process…  ceiling- is that what we call the cave surface above us but below ground?  Sure, ceiling is fine, but consider that from another perspective it creates a sinkhole– if the collapse extends to the surface…  and could be their ticket out.

That’s right, Gabe, you take the first stroll across the rock bridge- being held up by what appears to be a couple of strategically placed (by Nature of course) keystones… one wrong move, one slip and you would never to be heard from again!  Except for your scream as you fall further and further down into the blackness…

As much as I like to dis Mr. Allen about his dialogue, here’s proof that it’s harder that it looks… Seeing the varied expressions this morning inspired me to do a bit of editing, but I have to admit it’s a weak attempt at best…

Take your best shot, people…

Earthquake, huh?  Let’s re-orient ourselves, shall we??  We are supposedly in the Chihuahuan Desert in West Texas…

And it certainly appears that there are active fault lines running throughout the area… so I give this a rating of ‘plausible‘ to ‘likely…’

There are even a couple of 6.0 magnitude quakes on the map, so who knows…  Can we blame this on the fracking going on in Oklahoma?  Probably!

And once again, let me remind all of us that we are UNDERGROUND.  Sorry, I can’t get over that…  it’s almost like there is a lighting crew following them around… sort of like how nervous should we really get with all these “man vs. nature” shows and documentaries when it’s quite clear they are dragging an entire film crew around with them…

And unless the ledge ending is somehow at their feet and out of sight, I don’t see where it actually does…  And it’s Carina taking the lead and describing the situation and Mark sharing his “feelings,” bad or otherwise.  Reminds me of one of my favorite scenes… Jack Nicholson in “As Good as it Gets…” I’m drowning here and you’re describing the water…“

Ha, ha…  Yea, and what about all those bats?  I am beginning to think that they don’t even exist…  if nothing else they would be pointing to a way out of this…

Nice finger, though, Gabe.  Not stubby like Donald Trump’s…  OK, kids… I have (mostly I think) avoided Presidential Politics in my ministrations… but really?  This is what it comes down to?  With the fate of the Free World hanging in the balance we can only talk about Marco’s ears and Donald’s fingers??  And other school-yard jabs?  I forced myself to watch some of the “highlights” from last night’s “debate,” and I had to stop after 3 minutes.  This is is embarrassing.  We are about to nominate a Narcissist and a Bully on one side? And a Liar and Criminal on the other?  We know that many  of our Presidents throughout history were (are??) damaged people.  We have come to expect this to a certain degree.  Maybe the only saving aspect of a Trump candidacy and presidency is that he wears it all on his sleeve without apology…  Sorry, but I think that is a slim consolation…  But as Esquire has pointed out (and when, btw, did that magazine become so incredibly left-leaning??) According to them, on the Republican side, it’s come down to a choice between Ted Cruz and a Vulgar Talking Yam…