If ever there’s a throw-back element to the Trail-verse, it is Bill Ellis… count among them the fact that he is always dressed in a suit and tie, that the Magazine offices are ensconced in a Manhattan skyscraper (read Time-Life Building…) and that the Magazine appears to be thriving are things that we just don’t see anymore in Magazine-dom…   But today we see Editor Bill Ellis really dressed down… In fact I don’t know whether we have ever seen his neck like this- kind of creepy- unless of course we go way back to a time when he and mark were on a fishing trip aboard the rich publisher’s yacht down in Florida and were mistaken for two rich, ransom-worthy fellows… and were subsequently kidnapped.  But that predates my efforts here on these pages, so I might be a little hard-pressed to link us there…  but here it is!  Thanks Josh at Comics Curmudgeon!

But when exactly did Mark have time to write his 20,000 word expose on white nose syndrome?  No sooner did he make it from the Rio Grande to Lost Forest and they were jetting to Hawaii! Oh well, we shouldn’t dwell on such timeline inconsistencies…  we have to maintain appearances…

In an unrelated vein, I sent the following to my local newspaper opinion page…  I know that there are more needlesome issues at play in the word, but since they are not likely to print it, I wanted to share:

I v. me

I’ve been told that it’s a heavy burden I carry.  Proper usage of  the English language-  and bristling and recoiling when I hear or read passages that are not properly constructed.  The sad thing is that I see it everywhere, perpetrated by people who ought to know better, people who are paid a salary to write and speak properly.  No greater offense exists than when the first person singular pronoun ‘I’ is used in place of ‘me.’  A subjective pronoun acts as the subject of a sentence—it performs the action of the verb. The subjective pronouns are he, I, it, she, they, we, and you. An object pronoun is a personal pronoun that is used typically as a grammatical object: the direct or indirect object of a verb, or the object of a preposition. Object pronouns contrast with subject pronouns. The object pronouns are me, you, him, her, it, us and them.  ‘Jimmy and I are going to the store.’  ‘She is going to the store with Jimmy and me.’  Would we ever say ‘She is going to the store with I?’  I think not.  Think about it, people.

Where have we heard that before?  And this time he is adding a finger wag for good measure…  Guess what Mark, while you have a case for The Swan in the Great Dismal story line, your last outing with Mississippi Ken and the missing Cobalt 60 is totally your fault… you unloaded a flare into the leaking fuel of the cigarette boat…  in an effort to “slow down” the bad guys… when you could have elected to simply out-run them!  But what’s the fun in that??

and my… what BIG EYES you have in panel one, Cherry.  You’re a real heart-melter…  Sensing that you might have hurt the big guy’s feelings, you go all Bambi on him… well done.  And by panel three, with Mark’s full understanding of the “joke,” his confidence is restored!  What would he do without you, Cherry?  Why do you put up with him??  OK, don’t answer that.

…and the joke is him…  It would seem that his obtuse-ness has survived the passing of the torch from Elrod to Allen.  For those of you new to all this, or maybe haven’t been keeping score, it’s Mark 2, really-expensive-rental-boats-paid-for-by-The Magazine zero… zilch… nada.  So naturally Cherry finds this entire notion extremely funny, in a polite, tee- hee- hee way, not a rude guffaw sort of way…  but still.  Mark, perhaps you’d be better served by finding a charter or a tour that would take you there…  I have to say though, that face in panel 3 is a new one for Mark… probably because he’s never been challenged before, never had his plans actually questioned…

Lets also consider Cherry.  And her neck.  Is it me, or did it get longer in panel 1?  I suppose it had to in order to fit the speech balloon underneath her chin.  But her head just seems to be perched unnaturally on top of it.  Sort of like a golf ball on a tee…

Strange too that Cherry isn’t putting up a fuss over Mark’s apparent desire to go off and “work” on their “vacation…” Perhaps that comes later…

That’s w w w <dot> h u n g r y p e s t s <dot> c o m <forwardslash> t h e <dash> t h r e a t <forwardslash> i m p o r t e d <dash> f i r e <dash> a n t <dot> p h p…

Seriously?  And I’m quite sure that anyone that is inclined to move firewood from one locale to another (or hay bales for that matter) is going to somehow know to go to this website and check out the threat.  Abbey, you need to get a life.  Not to mention you, Mark…

So, to hell with any “vacation” that was planned, or even underway, for crying out loud…  Mark is on the case!  I hope Bill Ellis (editor of Woods and Wildlife magazine) tells Mark to simmer down and enjoy his vacation… and besides, Mark, do you really “work for” the magazine, or is it that you “do work for” this magazine?  Big difference…  I have always assumed that you are in a free-lance, contractor role, not a W-2 with benefits kind of thing…

…and I was fairly justified in my earlier comment regarding bill color, etc.  Here’s a lovely shot of what is a rather strange looking animal.

But OH MY!!  Isn’t Mark fired up!  “FIRE ANTS?!?  IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SOUTH PACIFIC?!?  HOW?!?”   Good lord, Mark, it’s not as if she’s found a new colony of aboriginal man…  Can you all just see Cherry rolling her eyes?  Well, she’s probably used to it by now.  That’s her man…  Does his best to show affection (more than ever under James Allen’s pen) but is still really only turned on by a good nature mystery…

So as Abbey and Mark geek out over Fire Ants, we are left to wonder what’s just out of the frame in the lower left…  some vague reference to a John Carpenter film is what we know at this point.  And for those of you new to this madness, not the first time this device has been employed- recall the Great Dismal Swamp adventure?  The bad guys who piloted the boat that was a dead ringer for Shaw’s boat in the movie Jaws?  Well, that boat was named “BRUCE,” which happened to be the name of the mechanical shark used in the filming…

As Cherry dangles Mark’s phone over the pool’s edge, clearly she’s not risk averse… And of course in the James Allen Trailverse, that’s not the only thing (or things) that are dangling in panel one…  But of course Mark is seeing none of that and can’t wait to get on the phone with Abbey!  The phrase “Invasive Species” is all he hears, his ticket out of the pool and away from his wife…

So with an enthusiasm not shown toward anything Cherry wanted to do, Mark engages with Abby to find out more about what happening on the nearby atoll.  Let’s consider for a moment (at least so far) how seemingly incompatible they are with each other-

“Hey Cherry, want to paddleboard?”  “No, I’ll stay here and drink”

“Mark, Honey, look at all these cool excursions we could take!”  <<silence>>  <<ring, ring>> “Answer the Phone, Cherry”

So the question is now whether Cherry goes along with Mark…

…the proof is in the pudding, or something like that…  As the camera pans back to reveal a wreck of some kind, the “Elizabeth Dane,” or so it appears… A quick peak back to the “two years ago” segment does not show that the Yacht had a name, or that there was very much wood in its construction, so who knows what this all means.

But is the Pelican real?  It almost looks like a casting of some kind…   Pelican bills are normally orange, or at least not white…

Wow, it almost sounds credible…  C’mon Abbey come clean.  You just want to lure the Trail to an island paradise for a little extended “field work…” and now your plan is foiled because he’s already there… with his wife!!  I’m guessing that Abbey is on Kauai as well, otherwise, unless they all have sat phones, they probably wouldn’t be talking…   But what do I know…  probably a SIM card that allows for that these days…  and according to lonelyplanet.com, one need only dial 1-808 and the number and you are good to go, island to island!

OK, but now for the elephant in the room…  perspective or not, Cherry is an amazon!  She’s got to be 7 feet tall in that picture if she’s an inch.  It’s unnatural.  Like her head has been plopped onto an extraterrestrial or something…   a buff, leggy extraterrestrial, but still…

I’m starting to think that we aren’t going to find the skeletal remains of Honey and Darling though… their contribution to this whole story is the fact that they carted firewood onto the island, complete with fire ants, and within a two year time span managed to upset an entire ecosystem…

Uhhh, right.  You’re an “Agent” of the USDA, you’ve stumbled upon an invasive species situation in our 50th state, and your first call is Mark Trail!  OK, maybe not your first call, but the fact that you would call him at all is hilarious…

Nice scowl on Cherry in panel one!  We can just hear (and maybe should be seeing, given the medium) the icicles hanging off the dialogue!  But really?  “Mark Trail’s office?”  Ha!  Who’s kidding whom, here??  And the fact that Abbey assumed/knew that it was Cherry answering the phone!  Double-ha!!

I’m not sure that Cherry and Abbey ever actually met, at least on “on camera…” I thumbed through the “Leave it to Beaver” story arc (which by the way moved fairly quickly compared to the Cave Odyssey, but then using that as a standard so did the formation of the Rocky mountain range…) and don’t see where the two actually met…  If I’m wrong here, please let me know!

Such a scowl on your face in panel three!  But how exactly do you propose that people know when you are on vacation and when you are not?  Your entire life is devoid of schedules, responsibility, deadlines, and answering to anyone other than yourself.  That, for most people, defines “Vacation…”  And why, pray tell, do you have your phone with you and turned on?  Only to ensure that your “vacation” with Cherry will be interrupted, which is your most fervent wish anyway… rather than go on all the excursions that Cherry is contemplating as she rifles through the pamphlets!

Is it me, or does Mark look like Andy Kaufman in Panel two?  You know, the comedian that played “Latka”on the show “Taxi” from the 70’s?

Cherry, you are lit, girl.  Look at you!  And all the brochures!  Don’t you know that it’s the excursions that will get you?  They lure you to a tropical paradise, even an all-inclusive with watered-down drinks, for next to nothing, and the next thing you know you are spending hundreds a day getting bused around to look at monkeys and ruins and what-not…  Not that there’s anything wrong with what-not, but please be careful to avoid sticker shock upon checking out!

Ah, saved by the bell!  No doubt an “old friend” of Mark’s catching up to him on vacation- that will now drive a wedge between what was planned and what will now actually happen.  We needed something to happen, because watching Mark and Cherry on vacation would not be very exciting!

“That was a close call!” Mark can now exclaim aloud as he breaks the water’s surface.  Paddleboard?  Check.  Paddle?  Life Preserver?  Who knows… they should appear magically by tomorrow…

As Mark puts hairs numbered 12,345 and 23,456 back in place, and as a Manta Ray glides quickly away, we are reminded (again) that Nature is as Nature does… that we, as land dwellers, are merely guests in this watery world.  Oceans cover 70% of the globe.  Hiding vast mountain ranges and life forms…  Think about that… we have marveled at this for centuries, not being sure what lay at the horizon…  imagine living in a world limited by your ability to see and perhaps walk, slowly, to test your boundaries…  in the grand scheme of things, that wasn’t that long ago…  a couple of ticks of the epochal clock.

That must have been some impact, as it appears to have knocked Mark right out of his PFD – Personal Flotation Device- (if not his BVD’s…) So now he’ll owe money for that as well…

What must is be like for a whale, who can only give the world a side-ways glance…  who must have a giant blind spot in front, which denies it binocular vision and any hope of depth perception?  Does it maintain two distinct fields of view?  How does the whale brain process that?  Apparently that’s still a mystery, even going back to Melville’s time when he captured Ishmael’s pondering of the very same question…

Close, that is…  or “CLOSE!,” as Mark puts it…  Hair only slightly out of place while he swims away from the concussion of the whale’s “KARAASH.”  Sort of light Chris Farley (rest his soul) doing a cannonball in a kiddie pool…  not that he ever did, to my knowledge, but the effect would be the same…

So as Mark is driven underwater, he’ll have to surface and find his personal watercraft and paddle… but maybe he’ll run into Abbey Powell somewhere out there… or maybe Abbey and Cherry are already tying one on poolside, new “Besties” not even aware of the tie that binds them…  I think that Cherry had decided to not return to Wally’s forest after a single visit where she got to witness his misogynistic thought patterns, and thereby never met Abbey Powell who then came into our consciousness as an Agent of the USDA, to help Wally with his Emerald Ash Borer problem…

But I digress.  Here we are in sunny, wonderful Hawaii, and unless there is a man-eating shark waiting in the wings, Mark should be able to return to Cherry unscathed, if only a bit rattled by the fact that Nature seems to have it out for him…

…and convince him that a story would move along just fine without you ending up on the wrong side of some natural force…  this time, a humpback whale feeding and and then breaching on your ass…  (the linked video is hilarious… the videographer is entranced but his mate is less than happy about the whole thing…)   I have to admit my first reaction when reading this was laughter.  Good thing this is a family strip otherwise Mark might have let loose with a more appropriate “oh sh*t” or “oh, f*ck me…” I am sure he’s quite sick of being in harm’s way.

But such is his lot in life.  So Mark, you’d better react quickly and get out of the way- at least get off the paddleboard, so you can be driven underwater, and not driven into the shards of the soon to be demolished rental craft.  Then there will be the matter of the damage deposit… much like every other thing you have ever rented that floats… it never ends up well…  if there was a list, his name would be on it, and he’d be forever barred from signing a rental contract…

Whales, huh?  I think some of you out there called this ahead of the big reveal…

And for those of you doubting, (certainly not me…) here’s what happens in nature…  pretty amazing… and accurate right up to the bubbles and such…

And look… Mario’s back… in all his clipped glory!  But one would think that the close proximity to the exploding whale pod would have knocked him off the paddleboard…

…and speaking of exploding whales, check this out…

The pace is staggering here.  Don’t know if I can take it.  I thought Mark would be on the paddleboard for a week before anything really happened!! Bravo!

…a law, even, against the single panel.

I sit here, dumbfounded.  Searching.  Wanting to say something.  I think to myself (much like Mark is now..) “This is like the cave all over again… There are different ways to be trapped, even on top of the water within a paddle-board’s distance from shore…”

Of course they are fish! What else is going to live in the water?!  I guess the “suspense” is in asking the question, “What’s causing this phenomenon?” Predators (probably billfish of some sort) are working together to form a bait-ball and have a little dinner.  The fish, forced to the surface, are easy pickings for the gulls, and they are grateful.  Mark, the supposed naturalist, is transfixed.  Next.

I am not even compelled to google ‘bubbles n the water’ since it will probably be related to gas…

Help me Obi Wan, you are my only hope…  Maybe tomorrow…

…taking your chances that a rip tide isn’t gong to suck you out to sea, and also content in the notion that Cherry is going to be all right drinking daiquiris all by herself on the beach!  Oh, OK, I mean what could possibly happen, especially when it’s not even clear (to me at least) who is on the paddleboard.   Is that Mark?  We recently learned a lesson that just because someone is wearing a familiar swimsuit ensemble doesn’t guarantee it is who you think it is…

I mean, it doesn’t even look like him…  looks like Luigi from Mario Brothers- is that a mustache??

But back to the adventure…  It is in fact Mark on the paddleboard, doing what Mark does- taking stock of his surroundings and noticing things that are off-kilter…

No “What th-” but rather a full blown, “What in the World!?” Talk about being off-kilter. With Mark’s Spidey Senses tingling, I guess we’ll have to find out tomorrow what is blowing bubbles.  My first though is whale, but that would be one source of big bubbles, not many sources of little bubbles…

But I am sure many of you wondered what became of the Saturday edition… well turns out I was back in Adams County, WI home to my Aunt and Uncle and any number of amazing things, the least of which (left) is not the fact that Uncle Tommie, after years of trying to make the senior tour, has set his clubs aside to work on becoming a bona fide hummingbird whisperer…  Now, getting this little guy to slow his heart rate down is no mean feat, not to mention getting him to lie still long enough to get a couple of pictures off…

… and not to mention the fact that our friendly Black Squirrel (common to these parts) at the Petenwell Pub has a new summer outfit- a snappy red cowboy hat!  Recall the trip from last winter, where the temperature was well below zero- the little gal had her fleece on!

Well, it’s back to reality, everyone!  Another day to give my liver a rest and look forward to tomorrow’s installment!

Cherry’s got her red highlights back…

And Cherry, by that private thought I assume that you are comparing this experience to other vacations like the trip tot he Great Dismal Swamp (BOOOOOM!) or some awful wind-swept and  bug-ridden canoe trip… So with umbrella drink in hand and bikini-ready body on display, Cherry is quite happy to be doing absolutely nothing…

But of course Mark is already bored and wants to go rent a couple of boards!  Why not challenge the famous surf and dangerous rip-tides?