The latest of which was hooking up with Mark Trail in Africa…  OK, I need to get off that one… it’s not like we saw them together…  I am sure Lori had her hands full those few days getting Dirty’s body in a coffin and loaded onto a plane…  I am sure that there was much paperwork involved.  Cause of death?  Rhino stampede!  Wait- there aren’t enough Rhino left to form a herd let alone have them run in the same direction in a group at the same time…  But again, Cherry is cautious with her sympathy… She feels bad, but only in a way… and is doing a good job of not allowing any jealousy to creep out.  It would appear that Mark is continuing to regale his family with lusty tales of African Adventure, complete with all the icky stuff going on during the Safari he horned in on…  ha!  Get it?  Horned in?  That’s a joke, son!

Meanwhile, Doc is going from mildly interested in panel one to downright amused in panel two.  He finds it all terribly funny!  His stone face cracking at the thought of a man driven to poaching over gambling debt and unrequited love!!  What a sick bastard!!

The crazy thing is how fast the table got cleared…  not to mention how fast they carved and ate the poor chicken that gave itself to the cause…

Well, Mark is safely back in and amongst his family, yet another group of humans that do nothing but fawn over his every move…  Seriously, has the guy ever had a piece of constructive feedback throw his way?  What would he do with it if someone did?  “Hey Mark, you know how you always start your articles the same way?  You might try mixing it up a bit…”  and judging from the spine-stapled piece in Doc’s hands, that could be the actual magazine edition or it could be that Mark has a printer that prints on 11×17 paper and a special stitching machine to finish the job…  So either he has been home a LONG time, or I just read way too much into these things…

And I’m sorry, what’s that, Rusty?  All I am hearing is non-descript sound waves emanating from an orifice slightly more than 4 feet off the ground…  Huh?  Didn’t get that…  all I heard was “Cape Buffalo…”

And by all appearances, Cherry took advantage of Mark’s time away by have a couple more rows of ribs removed and being fitted with a new corset.  I think her waist is now down to 12 inches…

Congressman Gowdy!  Well, this has to be grandson of the famous broadcaster and outdoorsman Curt Gowdy, who along with Roone Arledge made ABC sports into what it is today (or at least what it was before the world of media became so multi-dimensional…) Curt once remarked, “I should have paid ABC to let me host “American Sportsman…”  Why, there’s even a National Park in Wyoming named after him!

And how would your constituents feel about that, Congressman?  A Conservation effort in Africa?  What about that bridge that is crumbling in your district?  And it sounds like Mark would only consider leading this “Conservation Effort” if “properly funded” – read-  “I will need the 5^th Armored Division at my beck-and-call should things get dicey…”

Checking in with THE MASTER, it looks like I missed the OBVIOUS Reference…

Were rhino poachers behind the Benghazi attacks? Why won’t the media tell us the truth?

Mark Trail, 9/30/14

My goodness guys, it has been a while since Mark has seen his family, but sure, why not stop by Washington, D.C., on his way home and do a little testifying about animal poaching and then hobnob with actual congressman Trey Gowdy, who’s taking valuable time away from his job of chairing the House Select Committee on the Events Surrounding the 2012 Terrorist Attack in Benghazi to do a little rhino-horn chat! Why are real elected humans appearing in this strip all of the sudden, instead of random fake baldheaded senators? Well, it’s possible that Trey Gowdy is desperate to woo environmentalist constituents and overcome his extremely low scores from the League of Conservation Voters, and so has paid good money to appear in this tree-hugger comic strip. But Mark’s cutting aside about getting proper funding for any conservation effort probably means that isn’t the case, since Congressman Gowdy is super not in favor of the government spending money. So I have to assume that his carefully rendered face and somewhat too blond hair are appearing here primarily because “Gowdy” is an objectively hilarious name.

Invited by congress, huh?  Could it have been your old friend Senator Hudson Mason??  The guy who is in the pocket of BIG OIL?  …and have you even bothered checking in at home??  Seriously.  I don’t care who or what you are saving, Mr. Trail, you might let your family know you are back in the country…

Elephants and Rhinos?  Painting with a pretty broad brush there, Mark…  But I suppose if you have the floor you might as well make the most of it.  Although in delivering an unfocused message, you don’t make a very clear call for specific action…  “Conservation efforts…”  What exactly does that mean?

Yes mark, since you spent so much time (not) actually interviewing Jacob about his “work,”  I am sure this will be an in depth, hard-hitting piece… Or are you going to make this more of a first person affair, drawing attention to am making tribute to yourself and your own exploits in the bush?

Oh, Lori, wipe that tear from your cheek.  You aren’t the first lady to be separated from her man or swept (unwittingly) into Mark’s arms only to be left at the proverbial alter…  go home, dive into your work, (ewww) and seek counseling.  Learn from your experience here…  the next man in your life need not be one who “needs help.”

A guy like Trail…  what do you know about him, Jacob?  That he was capable enough to get on a plane, make a couple of connections, land in Africa and weasel his way onto a Safari that ended in death?  A guy that can throw on a nice suit and tie and look like a banker at the drop of a suitcase?  In case you can’t tell, dear readers (yes, readers with an ‘s’ since The Daily Trail now has followers that outnumber the fingers on one hand…) I am disappointed.  I really would rather have Mark follow Jacob to Sumatra, but alas, it’s not to be…

Yup, I haven’t spoken to my family in years…  They are pains in the ass- the whole lot of them.  At one point I considered that my failing, but then realized that I can’t own everything…  People grow up and either learn to overcome any perceived disadvantage or they don’t…

…comma.  Separating consecutive adjectives! A continuing <comma> uphill battle!  How dramatic!  And Sumatra!  What’s going on there?  I will tell you what- In Sumatra they have established RPU’s- Rhino Protection Units!  And how right you are, Jacob, a conservationist’s work is NEVER done…  Do you leave a residual force in Rwanda, just in case the poacher population re-establishes itself??  You know, it’s almost like fighting terror…

Will Mark invite himself?  Oh, Golly let’s hope so…  We hardly know you, Jacob and your work is SO important… but Sumatra is across the Indian Ocean… Will Bill Ellis spring for another plane ride?

Go ahead! Say it!  It’s Global Warming!  That’s what’s driving the locals out of the fields and into the black markets…  OK, just kidding.  But we really are being all PC about this- not naming the “markets” that are creating the demand for the horns that give the poachers a reason to get out of their cots in the morning…  But in the same breath not being afraid to call out the corruption that wracks the local enforcement efforts!

And Goodness!  Such a face on Poor Jacob Hickman!  He looks like Ed Dunlap after he had his arrowheads and what-not stolen from him…

Sorry to fixate on the red whistle, but there it is again…  and if Kaden is in “Club Jacob” then so must be Taurus?  Based on his outfit and how it is accessorized?  Well, it’s a good thing that Jacob is skilled in the ways of the wilderness…  but a “survivalist?”  Does that mean he’s a “Prepper,” one who has dug himself a bunker and stored in it all manner of non-perishable foods?  Cigars and Whiskey?  A gun to keep out those who “didn’t believe?”

“So yes… before I devoted my life to the Rhinos’ plight, I was Stateside selling used cars… and realized that my life was a sham- every car I sold had a history that I couldn’t bring myself to tell my customers, for if they knew, they would never buy…  I was good at it- too good!  So with a fat bank account and a deficit in my Karmic balance, I struck out and stumbled on the worthiest and most selfless cause I could find… The White Rhino…”

Survived the crash?  How about kidnapped by the poachers?  Boy, Mark, for a writer you can be awfully dense…  lovable, but dense.  Funny you didn’t RUN INTO HIM while you were out gallivanting in the bush… like two ships, apparently.  And Yes, Boys and Girls, don’t even THINK of heading to Africa unless you are accompanied by a man with a red whistle hanging around his neck- that tells you that he has been through training and holds the highest level of White-Client-Protection skills… Even though, as we saw, it was Mark that did all the protecting…

So this is where it ends?  You have no questions for Jacob Hickman?  The object of your story?  No background, no point of view?  No “and what do you do now to save the Rhino?”   I suppose that James Allen wants to wrap this story up.  I can’t blame him… It was June 7^th when Editor Bill Ellis called Mark to tell him he was going to AFRICA!  That’s over 90 days and a good 30 days past the usual story time- the usual Meant Time to Lost Forest (MTTLF) is around 60…

And now I am picturing the Rhino with notches on its belt or its bedpost… one for every vehicle run off the road?? And look who’s all smiles in panel two…  yes, Lori Tompkins, that’s who, after a ride or two on the Trail-go-round, and realizing that her life will no longer be held back by that Guy with the Gambling Problem, she is positively aglow!

Ed Carlson?? What kind of a name is that for a bad guy?  Sounds like a high school chemistry teacher from Anoka… oh wait, there is precedence for that, isn’t there?  At least in a certain fictionalized account…

And back in some city in Rwanda, which we know because it’s the same restaurant that brought Mark, Chris (um… Dirty) and Lori together, and because in the background we see a lady carrying her (what- Laundry??) on her head… Nice that these two kids can continue to hang out for days… doing what?? Now that we have the “new Mark,” the mind absolutely races…  two handsome people, on another continent, for all anyone knows who are meant to be together…  yikes… calling Cherry, Calling Cherry- by the way Mark, did you call Cherry?  I know that would be an expensive call, but still…

And now for the plot twist to end all plot twists…  Jacob Hickman!  What the… recall that Jacob Hickman’s truck was found at the bottom of a cliff without him in it… unexploded we presume, but that the “worst was feared” as it pertained to his current location and condition… and now he just turns up how many days (or weeks) later waving to Mark from across the linen tablecloths, like they are old friends.  Of course Mark is famous, depending on the circles traveled, and Jacob, we presume, was expecting him…  OK, then… let’s start writing that story!

With Lori perched on the Doctor’s shoulder, she didn’t have to ask Mark the question… The question to which she already knew the answer…  Yes.  The Rat-Bastard is dead.  C’mon… really?  Name one redeeming quality displayed by the character.  I am having trouble summoning any grief at all.  Relief is more like it.

And where does the story go now?  Lori, remember, you are the one with a future here!  Your Dental Practice! (How random is that…?)  Don’t go all to pieces!  Your life just got better!  Boy what heel I am…

What’s Gnu, Pussycat??  Oh, I know.  Mark has gone from punching bad guys to nursing them back to health.  The explosion should have torn Dirty Dyer asunder from stem to stern, but it seems to only have mottled his complexion slightly, with his butch cut intact and Mark’s giant paw soothing him…  good lord, really??

The Rover is still in hover mode… which I am sure keeps our patient as comfortable as possible as they head to a… Hospital??  I mean they are out in the freakin’ bush, here, people.  It had better be a mud hut with a witch doctor if this story line is to recover any smidgeon of credibility…

Need I remind anyone of the explosion that happened a couple of “days” ago?  No one, I mean NO ONE, gets out of that one alive…  or at least not horribly disfigured…

Yet, here is Mark, selfless to his core, diving in and pulling Dirty from the flaming wreckage.  While Taurus and Lori look on in disbelief, as if to say, “You know Mark, he’s kind of an asshole.  And a poacher.  Let the SOB burn…”

Come to think of it, I don’t think Mark ever called Chris by his chosen Handle…  I guess Mark sees the good in everyone, even lying, thieving, murderous poachers…  Of course, in another time, under another pen, we let bad guys fall to their death…

When last we saw the Trail-mobile, it was all a-hover over the rocky terrain, and now it has maneuvered itself down the sheer face of the cliff that spelled doom for Chris “Dirty” Dyer…

In a more shocking development, Taurus’ face has lost all pigment… He looks ashen compared to Mark’s ruddy glow in panel two… But really Mark, what is it you are running to?  Cooked Chris?  Dyer in the Fryer?  If he pulls Dirty out of the Driver’s Seat unharmed, this story line will have taken a seriously implausible turn, even for the world of comics.  The force of the impact-generated blow would have left him somewhat less than intact…

I have to say, I laughed when I saw this morning’s installment!  Why is it we feel nothing when an unsympathetic character gets what he has coming to him… But honestly I thought we would find “Dirty” Dyer alive and awaiting his reckoning – Trail-Style…  Instead, it appears that the truck was also carrying nitroglycerin or some other highly volatile substance…  Vehicles going nose-down onto a rock simply don’t explode, do they?  Maybe they do…

The car parts flying every which-a-way for good measure…  nice touch.  Don’t think Dirty is walking away from this one…

Well, we certainly can’t utter the time worn phrase, “there’s never a cliff or a canyon when you need one…”  And it’s a good thing there are two Rhinos in play here, otherwise one could never explain how the attack moved from starboard to port in a mere blink of an eye…

Well, Dirty, it was nice meeting you.  At least we won’t have to endure all the bad dialogue and references to wagering any more.  And the cargo of Rhino horn can be turned over to authorities and won’t be making its way into the Asian market to be ground and sold along with false promises of stamina and virility…

And in case anyone is skeptical, here’s a video “proving” that Rhino have a taste for jeep…  or this one…

Really, Dirty?  That’s the best you can muster?  “Those beasts are ramming my truck?” Considering that EVERY statement made in this world is punctuated by an exclamation point, they sort of lose their meaning when the time comes where you really need one…

Certainly it’s only a matter of time before Dirty finds himself impaled on that prodigious horn (has it grown from yesterday??) protruding from the snout of the great beast… only just desserts for such foul play!  Let me remind you that Mark hasn’t returned the punch that Dirty landed some days back…  This is very disturbing.  I sincerely hope that opportunity is not lost.  Mark punching a corpse would not have the same effect…

Well, Dirty, here’s a little payback for ya…  Hoist by your own Petard, as my Grandpa used to say…

The horn on the one in the foreground has got to go a foot or more…  yikes.  Junior is getting a lesson in protecting territory, and judging by the size of Mommy and Daddy, Dirty isn’t going to make it out of this one…