Human Life is not So Dear in the Trailverse…

“Hey Mister” he says, accusingly, “You aren’t allowed to do that.”  Sounds like a kid on the grade school playground pointing out to a classmate that hanging upside-down on the monkey bars is “against the rules.”  To which the spear-wielding scofflaw replies with a death threat.  Sure.  He’s so desperate to put food on his family’s table that he will not allow anything to come between him and tasty turtle tartar, not even a random guy who has promoted himself to Game Warden.  But who knew that Turtle Slaughter was a problem?

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As this story takes shape, or not, we now have any number of directions it could take… We have been teased by a pelican loving woman named Jessica and her Taxidermist boyfriend “Marlin,” and now we have a random poacher introduced.  It’s like poaching is the only truly indictable offense in this world…  and remember- it’s not like Ol’ Eddie who would do “a little poaching,” but rather like these brazen types that are out in broad daylight (or flashlight) breaking the law with impunity…

Boat and Motor? Check. PFD? Check. Faithful Canine Companion? Check.

Now we are back where everything makes sense.  When Mark is around his family you can just feel the tension…  The unspoken, “Don’t you have someplace you should be going?  Isn’t there a story out there you could be chasing?”  So into the transporter machine we go, conquering space and time, and we are back on the water looking for something to write about.  No phone calls to warn of his arrival, no permissions granted, just another, “Hi, I’m Mark Trail.  I write Stories.  I would like to get nosy about your business…”

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And of course he stumbles upon an act of violence against the animal kingdom, in violation of rule and section that he no doubt has memorized down to the state and county level, including bag, possession and slot limits.  Are we to understand that the bump sticking out of the water right off the bow is the back of a sea turtle?  That Mark can make that ID from 50 yards?  See the look of anger and anguish on Mark’s face as he witnesses this crime being perpetrated…  Will he confront?  Let’s stay tuned…

Cherry is so excited she is doing the robot dance…

According to the Wiki, Lost Forest is in Sandy Springs, GA.  Let’s assume for a moment that Mark and rusty headed to the coast, say Jacksonville, FL.  That’s a 5 hour drive.  Savannah, GA.  4 hours.  Charleston, SC.  5 hours.  Unless they have mastered space and time, it’s unlikely that they would be back at Lost Forest in time for dinner…  They would have had to leave at midnight, fished in the morning, off the water at noon and on the road…  Maybe I am just shocked, dismayed and disappointed (as I am sure they are) at having the family all back together again.  Bad things happen when they are all together…

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Nice job feigning interest, Cherry.  And Mark how about “I am going to go to Pelican Point to bother Jessica and her boyfriend and see what trouble I can get myself into…”  That is a much more declarative statement.  You don’t need anyone’s permission, if that’s what you are angling for… you are Mark Trail after all…

yup, and maybe someday…

Oh, I can’t go there, Rusty.  There are so many things a former orphan can dream about but will never happen, especially when you are locked in time and not allowed to mature…  even when you are allowed to wear the Junior Model Mark Trail canvas shirt with your dungarees…

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And of course Mark knows all about what a “good” business is vs. a “bad” business… A “bad” business would be like the one Big Mike ran shining and poaching deer for BIG MONEY which paid for BIG GLASSES OF WHISKEY… Or the one that Rod Bassey ran selling lures that light up in the water when it’s really your SCUBA-clad henchman putting half-dead trophies on your hook…

Ethan Fauscett.  Really.  Sounds like the plumbing apparatus but with a ‘c’ and an extra ‘t.’  And I am sure he enjoys the nickname.  Better than “Wahoo” or “Skipjack” or “Bluefin…”

 

A boyfriend, huh?

Well, well.  The plot thickens, or at least I will grasp at any straw in order to make that claim…

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But what else does this Boyfriend/ Taxidermist stuff?  Dogs?  Mothers-in-Law?  I think Taxidermy is a creepy business.  Whether it’s the Psycho reference or the scene in Arthur when he meets Susan’s father, it’s just not right in my book…

Another example, though, of a total stranger offering up all manner of random, unsolicited information.  It’s almost like Mark has Jedi powers over the population (you WILL tell me what you now about Jessica Canupp…)

Riveting

I mean who ever heard of such a thing??  A Human being nursing wildlife back to health?  This should make for a real page turner…

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And do you mind, really, going light on the constant reference to said Pelican’s age?  This is getting “old.”   Tedious even.  And I guess things are pretty slow around these parts if a banded Pelican is part of the local lore and lexicon…  “oh, do what you want to all the other Pelicans, but don’t touch that old one- that’s the one that Jessica Canupp nursed back to health and released back into the wild.  Made the local paper and everything…”

Trying to ID the birds in panel one…  I keep landing on a Crane of some sort…

You wear overalls, I have pockets…

Why else do people, mostly men I suppose, wear overalls?  So’s they can hook their thumbs in the straps while they shoot the breeze with strangers, of course… And Mark, having approached said overall-clad man, must immediately drop whatever is in his hands and listen carefully in panel two with his hands stuffed into his pockets…

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Rusty has a huge grin on his face watching Mark in action, approaching a “source,” (that’s what we call people in the Nature Writer business) and getting him to talk.  “Sure, I have no problem divulging information to this total stranger about someone I barely know, or only ‘know about…’”  But what else is there to “know” about Jessica (one n, two p’s) Canupp???  Mark will certainly find out…

I really must point out, though, the lack of diversity in this strip.  It’s as white as loaf of wonder bread!!  Why, there hasn’t been a person of color in this strip ever!  What?  Only white people hunt, fish, cheat steal, write stories and take pictures?  It’s not like the job description is overly taxing here…

That’s great Junior. I love it when you force me into a gag reflex…

The look on Mommy or Daddy Pelican’s face is classic, as the Pelican Chick pushes the right button, and up comes partially digested fish- probably the bait that it mooched off of Mark…  Does the Adult bird ever get to keep any stomach contents for itself?  I wonder.  We do what we do to sustain our species…

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Mark, really?  Would you entrust a small child to clean fish?  Who knows?  Maybe he’s really good at that… or maybe you are just making small talk, letting the non-fisher-people in on one of your “rules” of fishing- ‘High Hook’ or ‘Low Hook’ is what we called it… mostly for bragging rights.  The duty of cleaning fish was shared as the catch was laid out one last time, pictures taken, then turned onto fillets.

I keep looking at the log in the center of the scene and it keeps reminding me of a crocodile, laying low, still, waiting to turn and make a lunch out of the young.  Anything for excitement; I suppose I have to be patient.  Some evil element will show up soon…

How exactly does one know the age of a Pelican?

Count the rings…  no that’s on a tree.  Look at the Teeth?  That’s right, birds don’t have teeth…  And now that it has cleaned you out of bait (sucker!!) I guess you will have no choice but to head in…  So it’s Pelican one, Human beings zero, after one inning of play…  we’ll be back right after this…

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By the drawing it appears that this is a Brown Pelican, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever since there isn’t a brown feather anywhere on it… the oldest Brown Pelican on record lived to be 43 years old!!   Whataya bet Jessica Canupp is a saucy babe that will try to steal Mark’s heart… only what’s Mark going to do with Rusty in tow??  Like it matters!!  Pay attention, Rusty, you are about to see your “Ol’ Man” in action…

Mooching… that’s something you know quite a lot about, huh, Mark?

“A little fishing” “That old bird.” Those of us who (sadly?  Tragically?) follow this strip every day know that this is all part of the patter that envelopes the scenes and characters in the Trailverse.  But let’s review the last couple of days… Mark and his irritating ward have put themselves on the water in record time.  Normally there is a day or two spent in the International Harvester Travel-All without seatbelts or head rests, where Mark and Rusty engage in some dialogue meant to set up the next story… But not this time.  No sooner have they slung gravel in the driveway of Lost Forest than they are out on the water.  We don’t know what they are fishing for or with.  This is all highly irregular…

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And normally, the bird in the panel one would be the “throwaway” wildlife that shows up in every strip, meant to keep us all aware of the Importance of Nature…

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But no, we are introduced to “Jessica Canupp”  who lives on “Pelican Point.”  Again, first and last names, and would appear to be a real person… And It would seem now that she and the bird are now central to our story.

A couple of points, though:  Mark, how do you know that this is a Male Pelican?  And don’t you realize that once you feed a Pelican, it will attract other Pelicans and pretty soon you are re-creating a scene out of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds?”  And finally, who is calling who a mooch?  Look who’s been living off the largesse of one Dr. “Doc” Davis for years, only finally submitting to marrying his daughter Cherry just to make it all seem “right?”

Mark has his “go bag” in his hand

Get your gear, Rusty.  Now.  We have to leave.  Right away.

Mark has his bag ready and packed for these moments when he feels like his past is catching up with him…  “Doc, Cherry, you coming?”  “Oh no, we are staying home, Mark.”  What ‘s with the big grin on Doc’s face?  Just knowing that he won’t have to deal with Rusty?  Did Mark even sleep in his own bed?  Probably not, all the better to avoid Cherry’s advances…

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Yes, “have fun,” come the words from over Rusty’s left shoulder… Off he goes to fish for the second time in recent memory.  You know, sort of like the tension that builds when a guy is pushing 30 and has never “known” a woman, all the tension regarding “Rusty going fishing” has been let out of the balloon.  No more playing with his trust or affection.  What fun is that??

The Return of Rusty

And it appears as though he is pulling a Benjamin Button… Aging in reverse…  Rusty looks to be about 8 years old, where in other shots he is bordering on puberty…  but no matter, let’s count the inconsistencies:  (1) Rusty was abandoned by his clan for close to three months and now “appears” out of nowhere as if nothing was strange or amiss; (2) Rusty claims to have a friend…  a friend with a lending library, and we know that Rusty has no friends; (3) Eggs sunny-side-up are no longer allowed based on USDA/FHA/CFPB/DOE/DOJ/OCC/LMNOP guidelines.

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More Fishing??  These people are more one dimensional than the canvas they are inked and colored upon…  OK, let’s go with that.  More fishing.  But of course we remember the last (and first) time Mark took Rusty fishing… it resulted in a bad acid trip that had Rusty being chased by a T-Rex and harassed by a Pterodactyl…

And we’re back…

MTTLF = 73 days  (for the uninitiated, that’s Mean-Time-to-Lost-Forest) or how many days, not counting Sundays, did we spend away from Lost Forest, the home of Doc and Cherry (nee Davis) Trail… And that freeloading nature writer Son-in-Law Mark… So let’s think about this for a minute…  That’s nigh on three months, and it would appear that the elves have done a great job keeping up the place!!  I wonder if there are any shoes by the hearth…  And everyone looks so damned happy around the table… Strong black coffees- all around!!  On me!  Even Andy looks happy as hell…  but really.  How did they get back??  The magic of comic strips, I suppose.  And assuming, in real life, that the return trip would have taken weeks, would they still be prattling on about Dunlap and his stupid artifacts?  And what exactly is the “local Native American tribe” going to do with the money that Jeff ‘n’ Jared had their eyes on??  Who knows…

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But seriously.  Rusty.  Where in heaven’s name is Rusty.  It’s like he never existed?  He hasn’t been spoken of or seen since they all decided to go on a little canoe/ fishing trip last November…

All’s well that, uh, flaps well??

Of course, Mark’s hungry!  He hasn’t eaten in weeks!!  Poor guy!  Why, his jeans are about to fall off his withering frame.  While Doc and Cherry have been enjoying the hospitality of Ed Dunlap, Mark has been subjected to all manner of incarceration and torture!  My and how fast the Wheels of Justice turn in the Trailverse!  Jared’s in jail?  You mean maybe he is being held as a person of interest pending his indictment hearing?  And there’s Ol’ Jeff Baucom!  Folded like a cheap tent!  Still tied up and leaning against the house in the corner of the first panel.  I almost didn’t see him!  Makes me wonder if Rusty has been hiding in the corners all the while, maybe emitting muffled cries for validation and love…

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Ed, you are so full of it…  You thought Mark was a Bad Guy for sure…  Or at least you did not know WHAT to think about what had just gone down…  won’t be so trusting now, will you??

And there’s Andy… Nothing like a good dose of hot, steamy, rancid dog breath to whet the appetite… bon apetit!!

I am actually quite grateful.

That we were spared weeks of toil and trouble getting back to Dunlap’s cabin with two pack baskets of artifacts and one bad guy- “Jeff Baucom.”  How exactly Mark was able to maintain control over Jeff… but wait, did he just leave him at the “abandoned shack,” all tied up?  Hmmm… I wonder.  And Jared Sosbee – what’s become of him?  He left weeks ago, to “go get the sheriff,” or something like that.  Like I said before, he is probably holed up in some safe house awaiting Jeff B’s return with the loot.  Oh, how disappointed he will be!!

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But in the last panel, Mark maintains that he “has” the Relics and the Bad Guy… Oh well, anything to wrap this story up…  it’s time that Mark and the clan return to Lost Forest and see what’s become of their world, having abandoned it… And by the way… I am sure Rusty is quite tired enough of doing the “Home Alone” thing…

“Those” Artifacts? What? Are there others??

Pretty shallow grave there, Jeff-my-Man…  Maybe covered by an inch of dirt and the pine straw…

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You took an awful chance there, Mark…  must not have been an “Ol’ Bear,” but maybe a young one, easily spooked…

It would seem that Mark has a new Catch Phrase  (sort of like, “Do you feel lucky, punk?”) “I’m not much for words…” That is unless you are all alone, verbalizing your every thought… then you are a regular Chatty Cathy

Mark Trail… Smarter than the average bear…

Wow!  Those synapses are firing and dots are connecting, and Mark, despite all the blows to his head over the course of this story arc, puts all the pieces together!! Not very believably, mind you, but at some point we had to wrap this saga…

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Do you love the face in panel two, or what??  The look of a man who realizes his entire life has led him to…. THIS MOMENT.  A mountaintop moment on the forest floor!!  Face to face with a BEAR!  Now, any experienced guide will tell you that Bear are not to be challenged, can run faster and climb better than you, and while Mark is an experienced woodsman, he ought to know better- go get the gun… fire a warning shot, scare the bear off.  C’mon Mark don’t be an idiot, not in your moment of revelation!

Mark, I sure hope YOU don’t bury YOUR garbage…

And, no, “Bury your garbage” is not a euphemism for anything…  like “Junk in the Trunk…”  I am talking about the OUTDOOR CODE.  With which I would assume you are well acquainted??  The whole “Leave No Trace” idea that would preclude one from ever “burying garbage…”  But no matter, it’s throw-back time in the Trailverse, when that practice was acceptable and as long as it was out of sight, it probably did not matter what campers did with their trash…

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But wait ‘til “That Ol’ Bear” bites down on some syrup infused arrowheads… That is going to be one surprised and unhappy Ol’ Bear… But this is really a sad commentary on the impact of man on what is otherwise a noble and self-sufficient beast- Bears have only recently (relatively speaking) come to regard man as a reliable food source, since we can’t seem to go anywhere without bringing food with us, that bears have come to associate man with food!  And it’s not that bears tend to eat man, it’s all the hoho’s and Nature Valley Granola Bars that we keep in our backpacks…

But I sermonize… Let’s be grateful now that Jared was such a spaz and dropped the syrup bottle and spilled its contents into one of the pack baskets.  Who knew where that was going?  Certainly not me…

I have “heard” gun shots not half that loud…

Didn’t know broken brush could create a report approaching 130 dB…

And Jeff was never what one would call, ummm…, handsome, but now that he is riddled with Wasp stings all over his bald pate, he is downright hideous to behold…

And as the writers try to figure out where the you-know-what this story line is going (“I know! a bear! Yeah- A BEAR! Comes along, see, and oh!  Smells the syrup on the basket containing the artifacts, yeah! That’s it, and then it gets to digging…)  Sorry if I just guessed that one, but well, that’s why I am the one commenting on all this…  Sorry if that was a major spoiler…

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But oh, thanks for what seems to be a resolution to this pack-basket-o-fun… Now we just need the others to randomly stumble upon Jeff and Mark, complete with Sheriff or constable or something… but in this present situation, with Jeff tied up, it might still look like Mark took the Indian stuff???  And HE buried it??  OK, figure that one out!!

tied him up right…

…and killing him with kindness?  Took me a minute to figure out what Mark is doing in the second panel…  applying baking soda to the wasp stings…  what if Jeff was allergic?  He’d be dead by now for sure and the mystery of the artifacts would have gone to the grave with him…

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But Really Jeff, I mean, what is your problem??  Was your father a crook and you are taking up the family business?  Are you just a jerk by nature?

By now we certainly have to wonder what the others are doing…  just sitting around eating flapjacks with homemade syrup?  Is Jared waiting dutifully at some pre-determined rendezvous point, only to think that Jeffy-poo has double crossed him and is now living the Life of Riley with all the money he got for the artifacts??

What role does Mr. Bear play in this Greek Tragedy?  Only in the Trailverse…