I reckon seaside property values have skyrocketed so much that the Seaside Specter had to relocate to the river. But where? The Columbia River is over 1200 miles long, and Portland is only along a small portion of it. Portland is 60 miles from the Pacific and 100 miles by river to the Pacific. That’s a lot of ground (or riverside) to cover. But why spoil things for Rusty? Kids should get to have real adventures, not just the kind you get on a phone. Fortunately, Rusty is used to the woods.

But what will you do if you spot it, Rusty? Did you bring a net? A stun-gun? A camera, even? Are you going to interview it for your vlog? Or, like your dad—who never seems to have a camera when on the job—will you rely on your memory and imagination to record your adventure?